the history of pornography

Title: The History of Pornography
Rating: R
Summary: Remus/Sirius and shared tequila (for nekare; steak, the history of pornography, and elephants (for hydrogen2oxygen; and parrot (for glass_icarus. I've no idea if Just a Minute is ever used as a drinking game (busaikko is a teetotaller), but it would make a lovely one. Remus' speech does read for one minute, exactly, if anyone cares about these things!

When Remus collapsed in helpless laughter at James' story of aubergines, ball bearings (the concept of which had not sunk in during his year of Muggle Studies), and nomadic yak herders, and knocked over the chips, endangering the tequila, Sirius decided that he liked Remus falling-down drunk. James finished up just as the timer hit one minute and bowed, and they gave him a round of applause as he slid back into his seat.

"Who's next?" Lily asked. She had been made keeper of the hourglass in honour of her striking figure (she had struck James on the back of the head for the pun).

"That would be Remus," Peter said, prodding him with a finger in the ribs. Sirius was impressed that Remus was able to stand at all (he'd done very badly at his last story), but with the assistance of a helpful corner he managed to stay upright. "Prompts!" Peter said: he became quite jovial when drunk. "Mine's parrot."

"Steak," James said, and Lily wrote it down.

"The history of pornography," Sirius announced grandly, and Lily elbowed him.

"Do you want him to lose? Elephants, Remus," she said, and he nodded, eyes narrowed in inebriated concentration.

"The History of Pornography, by Remus J Lupin," Remus began. His posture straightened unconsciously, shoulders back, as if he were presenting a report. "I first became interested in the subject at hand when it was brought to my attention that there were such things as dirty pictures which existed solely for the purpose of sexual tititillatition–"

"Repetition!" James called, and Remus stuck his tongue out at him.

"It doesn't count if he's too drunk to speak properly," Sirius countered, and they looked at Lily.

She frowned. "Two sips, Remus, because you made James look at my chest, and then James has to finish the shot."

"Fair enough," Remus said, and took the glass with both hands. He drank carefully, and then handed the rest to James, who toasted Lily before downing it. "The responsibility for that revelation, sad to say, is Peter's. Some of the materials he procured for the edification of the dormitory would have blinded McGonagall at fifty paces. Then, in our fifth year, Potter bought a camera and began taking his own lewd pictures…"

"You said pictures already," Peter said. "And this is supposed to be a made-up story, not something incriminating."

Remus coughed on the drink and wiped tears away. "Are you telling Lily that such things really happened?"

"Never happened," James agreed. "Quite the liar, Remus is. Lie a bit more, won't you, Moony."

"Prongs started," Remus said loudly, "by immortalising himself and his endowments, which he thought were like an elephant's in size but on closer inspection were hardly pachydermic, although they certainly shouldn't cause any difficulties on his wedding night. He next coerced and bribed his dearest friends into the world of depravity. A memorable image that I carry in my wallet is of Padfoot here as a pirate, with an eyepatch and parrot and nothing else. Do you want to see?" he asked as an aside, waving the picture, and Lily covered her eyes.

"Ten more seconds, Remus," Lily said, and Remus nodded resolutely.

"I am pleased to say that since I began having sex on a regular basis, I find I no longer need to buy graphically obscene tomes but rather a good steak, for energy and stamina, because Sirius is a randy bastard who really can go all night long, but I still love you, Padfoot." The timer rang and Remus slid down the wall to the floor and began snoring.

Three pairs of eyes turned to Sirius, who was demonstrating protective camouflage with the scarlet plush on the chairs.

Peter was the first to break the shocked silence. "Did he just say–?" he began, and Sirius flinched.

"Made it all up, didn't he?" Sirius said, staring at the table because six eyes were too many to avoid.

Lily reached over and took his hand, and in front of James Sirius had no idea how to shake her off. "You don't think we'd mind, do you? Because we don't, Sirius, not at all." Her other hand, hidden by the table, must have pinched James in a delicate place, because he jumped and smiled nervously.

"You could have said something, Pads," he said finally, and Sirius found the nerve to look up and meet his eyes. James blinked, and then grinned. "Right, well, I admit I'm rather thick. But you made it sound so reasonable when you explained you were sharing the bedroom because it was economical. Although you being reasonable should have tipped me off that there was mischief afoot."

"We were going to tell you. Sometime," Sirius said.

"Wolf's out of the bag now," Peter snickered, and clapped Sirius hard on the shoulder. "Need a hand getting him home?"

"We'll be fine." Sirius got up and knelt to haul Remus to his feet.

"Don't feel well," Remus said, head on Sirius' shoulder. "Dizzy."

"Just hang on to your vocabulary until we're home, can you do that?"

"Good night, Remus," Lily said brightly, and Remus waved vaguely. "Night, Sirius."

Sirius put his arms around Remus, and as he Apparated them from the pub he felt Remus' arms going around his waist.

And it was as simple as that.

2 thoughts on “the history of pornography”

  1. geeehehhehe *g* this is so cute. drunk!remus… i adore you. good job:)

    admin reply on October 8th, 2009:

    Drunk is a good flavour of Remus! *g* Thanks for reading!

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