Title: The Vegan Potions Master (513 very odd words)
Author: busaikko
Rating: R?
Summary: Severus educates Remus about nutrition. Non-traditional use of vegetables occurs. Chat-induced crack.
A/N: Vegetables. They’re good for you!
The Wolfsbane was not supposed to make Remus as ill as it did. Teaching at Hogwarts had many advantages, one of them the care of the Healer who best knew his condition. Another, the ease of consultation with the potion’s brewer.
Sitting in his underwear as Poppy Pomfrey explained the problem to Severus Snape, Remus did not feel advantaged.
"What's that you say?" Severus smirked. "Poor diet is debilitating our favourite werewolf? Well. That cannot be allowed. Perhaps I can. . . persuade him to eat a balanced diet. . ."
"No, no," Remus protested in alarm. Rumours about the Potions master’s militant vegan lifestyle made him fear for the safety of his bad eating habits. “That's not really – "
"My quarters," Severus commanded. "Tonight. Seven o'clock. Bring a fork."
“Strip,” Severus said as soon as the door bolted itself behind Remus. “We will start with steamed vegetables. Strip, damn you. And give me your fork.”
Remus supposed later that the malnutrition must have gone to his brain, because his general policy was to have someone buy him dinner before he dropped his trousers. But within five minutes of entering Snape’s dungeon quarters he had his hands tied together in front of him with a crisp linen napkin, through which the fork had been stabbed with enough force to render him helplessly bound to the table as well as naked. He eyed the silver platter piled with bite-sized vegetables with worry. Surely he wouldn’t be expected to -
He broke off his worried train of thought as Severus settled one hip on the table, facing Remus, and dipped one long finger in a cruet, then held it in front of Remus’ mouth. Remus blinked, confused.
“Lick,” Severus said, impatiently. “Unless you prefer your vegetables. . . unlubricated.” Remus couldn’t stop himself from grimacing; Severus’ mouth curled in triumph. Remus flicked his tongue out, quickly, and blinked at the mixture of tang and sweetness. Severus picked the cruet up and tipped the contents slowly over Remus’ shoulder. Remus shuddered as he felt the thick liquid slide down his chest and back.
Severus summoned a floret of broccoli from the platter on the table. He swept it around a nipple like a brush and then held it up. “An excellent source of Vitamin C,” he hissed. “Repeat.”
Remus stumbled over the words and was rewarded by being hand-fed. He learnt about fibre, and anti-oxidents, and what he needed to do about his iron deficiency, all whilst Severus teased him with taut green peppers and did things with cabbage leaves that would have made even Voldemort blush.
By the time they reached the carrots, Remus was begging for release.
“Is it carotene you want or me?” Severus queried, stroking one of the root vegetables in bemusement.
Remus groaned out an answer; Severus obliged.
The next morning Severus caught Remus trying to order caramel latte for breakfast.
“Did I not tell you about both caffeine and sugar?” he snarled, wrapping one fist in Remus’ hair.
“Perhaps,” Remus said faintly, “I need a bit more education,” and Severus ordered strawberries, soy yoghurt, and bananas.
